“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

Cremation, The last chance for a smoking hot body.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

What’s long, black and full of seamen? A submarine

The three unwritten rules of life:

What did the skeleton say before dinner? BONE appetit. His whole family found that HUMERUS.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.

My girlfriend treats me like God. – She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words…

“Lazy.”

Yo mama like a penny: two faced, worthless and in everybody’s pants

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

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