Miscellaneous jokes
"Knock knock."
"Come in."
Why is a deck of cards similar to a miniature pony?
They are both jokers.
Masturbation is better than rough sex.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?
A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.
Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
A: It’s always 90 degrees.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
What sucks but doesn't suck?
Vacuums!
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because he forgot to plug in the charger.
What does the Fox say?
Fraka - kaka - kaka - kow.
What is Hitler's favorite game?
Nahtzee.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
What do gay horses say?
"Hay ya'lllllllllllllll!"
Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?
Because the sign says "No Tres passing."
Did you hear about the new German microwave? It has ten seats in it.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
I gave her a lift back to her crib because her car wouldn’t start.