Miscellaneous jokes
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
What's a convict's favorite song?
"I want to break free."
I don't want to die.
What do gay horses say?
"Hay ya'lllllllllllllll!"
Life is a bitch, and people make it worse.
This thing that I'm in ("am") is a forsaken curse (beta).
What's the king of all school supplies? A ruler.
What's a flower's favorite drink at the movie theater? Root Beer.
What's a cow's favorite place to go during his free time? The Moooovies.
Creeper?
Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Sat at a busy intersection with a slice of bread, waiting for a traffic jam.
Cut a hole in the rug so he could see a dirty floor show.
He took hay to bed to feed his nightmare.
Took a tape measure to bed to see how long he slept.
Put his nose out the window so the wind will blow it.
Died with his boots on because he didn't want to hurt his toes when he kicked the bucket.
What sucks but doesn't suck? Vacuums!
Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?
A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.
I was ridin' your mom like she was Mario Kart!
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
Masturbation is better than rough sex.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.
Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold? A: It’s always 90 degrees.
"Knock knock."
"Come in."
What is Hitler's favorite game?
Nahtzee.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.