Miscellaneous jokes
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?
A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
What is Hitler's favorite game?
Nahtzee.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?
Because the sign says "No Tres passing."
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
A: It’s always 90 degrees.
Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!
Why do bunnies like Bruno Mars? Because he got 24 carrots.
What sucks but doesn't suck?
Vacuums!
I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.
Did you hear about the new German microwave? It has ten seats in it.
Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?
Her: What?
Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because he forgot to plug in the charger.
Creeper?
Why is a deck of cards similar to a miniature pony?
They are both jokers.