Miscellaneous jokes
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
I don't want to die.
Life is a bitch, and people make it worse.
This thing that I'm in ("am") is a forsaken curse (beta).
What's a convict's favorite song?
"I want to break free."
Creeper?
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.
What's the king of all school supplies? A ruler.
What's a flower's favorite drink at the movie theater? Root Beer.
What's a cow's favorite place to go during his free time? The Moooovies.
Sat at a busy intersection with a slice of bread, waiting for a traffic jam.
Cut a hole in the rug so he could see a dirty floor show.
He took hay to bed to feed his nightmare.
Took a tape measure to bed to see how long he slept.
Put his nose out the window so the wind will blow it.
Died with his boots on because he didn't want to hurt his toes when he kicked the bucket.
What do gay horses say?
"Hay ya'lllllllllllllll!"
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!
She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again.
Why do bunnies like Bruno Mars? Because he got 24 carrots.
Big Dolly Parton hair, like an 80s prom queen!
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
I was ridin' your mom like she was Mario Kart!
When she says she wrestles, so you pull out your dick and she punches it.
Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?
Her: What?
Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.
I keep getting ads about belly fat.