“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.
“Correct again,” says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.
What is Hitler’s favorite game?
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “What are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
What’s long, black and full of seamen? A submarine
My girlfriend treats me like God. – She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
The three unwritten rules of life:
I invented a new word today.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn’t that funny. So I just snickered…
What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave
“I’m not sure why my girlfriend’s father doesn’t like me.”
“What was your first impression on him?”
“I told him, she calls me daddy too.”
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it’s white and settles on their land.
What did the skeleton say before dinner? BONE appetit. His whole family found that HUMERUS.
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
Why can’t skeletons play church music? Because they have no organs.