"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? -- Because the sign says No Tres passing.
What is Hitler's favorite game?
Nahtzee
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
A: It’s always 90 degrees.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self harms!
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? -- They both want to get there before the hare does.
What's long, black and full of seamen? A submarine
The three unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."
I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn't that funny. So I just snickered..
I invented a new word today.
Plagiarism
What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
How does Jesus make tea?
Hebrews it.
Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills.
Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?
Doctor: They Are For You.!!
