“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

I hate 2 faced people because I don’t know which face to slap first.

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

Cremation, The last chance for a smoking hot body.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? – Because the sign says No Tres passing.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign? A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

What’s long, black and full of seamen? A submarine

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin

The three unwritten rules of life:

What did one traffic light say to the other. Stop looking I am changing

What did the skeleton say before dinner? BONE appetit. His whole family found that HUMERUS.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words…

“Lazy.”

Yo mama like a penny: two faced, worthless and in everybody’s pants

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “What are you going to do now?”

God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

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