How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It's a complex complex complex.
The three unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. -- I'll let you know.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
What's Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? -- How I bought your mother.
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
19 and 20 had a fight. 21.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
"Lazy."
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
What concert costs 45 cents? -- 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
