Medical jokes

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.

Abortion is becoming more and more expensive these days. So visit Ammu-nation and pick up an Armsan RS-X1 tactical shotgun. It comes with a free box of ammo and a three year warranty. Buy now, pay later.

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.

I wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor. I need some parts for my laptop.

Lil Jimmy: Hey doc.

Doctor: Hi, sorry but I can’t see you anymore.

Lil Jimmy: Why?

Doctor: Because, Lil Jimmy, I’m a family doctor, you're an orphan.

Lil Jimmy: 👁👄👁🖕

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

The best part about being a medical student is, you will never run out of jokes.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.

Me: What? Am I dying?

Doctor: No, your wife is.

Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?

"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"

"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes time to put you under.

A doctor walks into his office and looks his patient in the eyes, "Sir, you have to stop jerking off."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor then says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."

TRUE STORY!

X-Ray Tech: I broke my arm and went to the hospital. The X-Ray Tech was the hottest blonde I've ever seen.

I threw her ass down on the X-Ray table, ripped her clothes off, ripped off mine and I jumped on top of her!

Then I put the X-ray machine on top of us, turned it on and I looked up on the X-ray monitor and I watched and saw my sperm swimming up inside her!