Medical jokes
What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?
A fizzician.
"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!
When the doctor asks you what your zodiac sign is,
You respond: "cancer."
Doctor says: "Well, what a coincidence!"
One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.
Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"
Why can't an orphan get a vaccine?
They need parental permission.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"
"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."
The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"
The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."
"What about the boy?" the woman asked.
The doctor said, "Denephew."
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.
He was a great vet.
Abortion is becoming more and more expensive these days. So visit Ammu-nation and pick up an Armsan RS-X1 tactical shotgun. It comes with a free box of ammo and a three year warranty. Buy now, pay later.
What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................
Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.
I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏
I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.
I wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor. I need some parts for my laptop.
Lil Jimmy: Hey doc.
Doctor: Hi, sorry but I can’t see you anymore.
Lil Jimmy: Why?
Doctor: Because, Lil Jimmy, I’m a family doctor, you're an orphan.
Lil Jimmy: 👁👄👁🖕
My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.
The best part about being a medical student is, you will never run out of jokes.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.