Medical jokes

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Timmy goes to the doctor and says, "There's a crack in my butt, doctor." Timmy, there is a crack in everyone's butt, see?

Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.

Why do hospitals have fans?

To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.

If you turn Down syndrome upside down, do they have Up syndrome now?

What’s the difference between a doctor and a pedophile?

The doctor doesn’t enjoy giving physicals.

You know your doctor is gay when he asks you to touch your toes, and then you feel a rub on your back and a tickle on your anus.

Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."

A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."

I told my doctor I was experiencing some back pain. He told me to smoke some weed because I had chronic back pain.

If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

Why did the library book go to the doctor?

It needed to be checked out.

Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?" Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."