Medical jokes

A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."

If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

Why did the library book go to the doctor?

It needed to be checked out.

Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"

Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."