Meat Jokes

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.

The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.

He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.

When he died, the Angel came back for him.

"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.

"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."

What did the cat say to the jar of cookies?

"Ground beef!"

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Why didn't the butcher cut the fillet?

Because it was a misteak.

What’s the difference between Burger King and Ron Jeremy?

BK doesn’t sell real meat.

What do you call an alligator with a magnifying glass?

An Investigator.

I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.

What do you call a cow that was hit by an anvil? A flat iron steak.

Dad goat: Son, do you know what I like to eat?

Son goat: No, what?

Dad goat: Goat meat.

Son goat: *Gasps*

Dad goat: Nah, I'm just KIDing.

What's a gay person's favorite meal?

Meat with white sticky stuff.

What's the song that plays at the very end of the movie, Dr. Strangecow, during the montage of nuclear blasts?

"Veal meat again, don't know where, don't know when..."

What is the similarity between women and freezers?

We like to put our meat in them.

Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give you?

Students: Eggs.

Teacher: Very good. Now, what does the pig give you?

Kids: Bacon.

Teacher: Excellent. Now, what does the fat cow give you?

Kids: Homework.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

What do you call a lazy piece of meat?

A meatloaf.

If there is a hair, the meat is ruined.

How do you quiet a baby down?

Make baby back ribs for dinner.

My name is Bob, and I am a cow.

My grandfather was a knight, and his name was Sir Loin.

What did the butcher say to the pig?

Nice to meat you.