ME jokes
I gave Helen Keller an Oculus and AirPods for her 12th birthday, and she hated them and me.
My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.
My mom gives me your stuff because you have bad grades.
Me: How about my 5 little brothers? I have A's; he has F's.
She lets him play anyway and I don't.
When my bro says "YOUR MOM" when I'm talking when I'm at school, and my friend says "YOUR MOM," me punches him;-;
Me after I watch a brother and sister do it: "Me, sister, let's do it";-;
After I see an anime boy acting cool,
Me at school acting cool:
My brothers: "He's just acting cool."
Me: I'm gonna kill u 0.0
My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.
The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;
My mom calls me.
Me: WHAT MOM?
No answer.
Me: WHAT?
Sister: You're so stupid.
Me: Calling me stupid doesn't make you any smarter!
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
Pornhub suggesting me MILF on Mother's Day...
I hate it when I go to the shop and people are like, "Oh, hey what are you doing here?"
Me: "Oh, you know, just hunting elephants."
Bully: Shut up, motherfucker!
Me: Well, stop talking to me and I won't have to keep fucking your mother.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.
Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.
She won't talk to me anymore.
A king ordered to execute a gay man.
The gay man came and said, "Please don't behead me, have pity!" The king replied, "I will have pity because I will impale you, let you enjoy your last moments."
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
When your mama went to Sea World, the whales started singing, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"
Person: "How many people have you had intercourse with?"
Me: "Nun."