ME jokes
If you had a friend like me, would you kill me?
The fat kid asked the teacher, "Is Godzilla real?" The teacher said, "They're standing right in front of me."
I was at a baseball game and I was wondering why the ball was coming closer.
And then it hit me.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Will someone play Roblox Adopt Me with me?
Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?
A little chimney said: "Ooooh, I think my house owner is making a fire in me! I'm about to smoke!"
The big chimney said next to him: "Well, you're too young to smoke..."
What did the cake say to the fork?
"Do you want a piece of me!!!"
Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!
Doctor: Sit down for a minute.
Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.
Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA
What do butts say?
"Help me, I'm getting wiped clean!"
Me: Hey you trashy pig woman, go in the toilet or lay on the grass where you belong.
Trashy pig woman: Why?
Me: Because you smell like fart and you're pretty much just a turd with lips.
Me: "Hey, you trashy pig woman, go in the toilet or lay on the grass where you belong."
Trashy pig woman: "Why?"
Because you smell like fart, and you're pretty much just a turd with lips.
You used to call me on your cellphone when you need my love.
Mad girl: SHUT UP! YOU ARE SO ANNOYING! I DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU ON MY CELL PHONE!
Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"
Friend texting fat boy: I know you're on the group chat. I can see you looking at my texts.
Me: I can only see fat.
One day I was working at the bank, doing my job. Then suddenly a woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Then I told her that her balance is un-balanced.
I’ll never forget my grandpa's last words to me...
“Are you still holding the ladder??”
The clock struck one!
Then down did come!
Hickory dickory doc
What am I?
Random- a mouse?
Me- no dumb shit!
Random- what is it?
Me- the guillotine!
My brother told me he wanted to find a golden apple tree in real life. I told him it was a fruitless mission.