ME jokes

My grandpa asked me to pass him his phone, but I passed him a calculator. He couldn't tell the difference.

My mom gave me a box of chocolates, and she said life is like a box of chocolates, but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.

They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!

You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

Mom: Go water the plants.

Me: But it’s raining outside.

Mom: Go grab the umbrella.

Me: What???

Me: I fucked your mom.

Orphan: I don't have a mom so you fucked the air.

Eagle: "You know why hunting me would be a bad idea?

Because it is ILL-EAGLE!"

So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.

One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"

He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.

What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."

What did the cell say when it was dividing?

"It's not you, it's me."

To you, Iron Man may seem cool or awesome, but to me, he is pretty ironic.

A retired George W. Bush is eating a donut at 7/11 and looks at it. "I'm so happy I did that." A guy overhears the conversation and says, "You're happy you bought that donut? Oh haha, I would be too. I love donuts!" George W. Bush then says, "Oh hahaha, you caught me," and then says, "Oh hahaha, you must have heard me wrong. I said, I'm so happy I did 9/11."

Me: Hey Joe, updog.

Joe: What?

Me: Updog.

Joe: What's updog?

*Facepalms*

Me: Lol in the corner.

"You gave me the same sweater as last year."

"You s w e a t e r believe it."

My dad called me as I said I shit in my sister's mouth. Impossible? Nope.

Why did Karen leave me?

Because I was a mushroom.