ME jokes

Me: Wanna play 9/11?

Friend: What's that?

Me: It's a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

A boy was following me for 8 years, even into the stall. I finally told him I’m not gay.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Boo." "Boo who?" "Don't cry in front of me, or else I'll cry!"

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

There was a woman sitting with me.

I had to leave until she pointed at something—it was my butt.

I was confused until it was her turn for truth or dare.

Oh my god, she hit me with a bat,

'Cause she was transgender.

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

What did one Koala say to the other?

"Help me I'm burning. Aaaugh!!! Oh fuck oh fuck I'm on fire!! AAAAaugh!"

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

What did the poo say to the fart:

You blow me away!

Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.

Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

Spanish is difficult. When my mom gives me food, she says "toma," and that's drink in English, so I always drink my food.

My Bff: Hey do want any coffee?

Me: Yeh, of course.

My Bff: Ok which one?

Me: You know... the black one.

Me: Like my soul...

My Bff: Jeez you ok?

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.

Friend: You have to be able to stand up.

What did the right eye say to the left eye?

"Between you and me, something smells!"

I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?

Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.