ME jokes

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I went home one day. My mom said, "Look what a few guys got me." It was a MILF trophy.

My mom asked what does that mean. So I said, "Mom's I'd Like To Fuck." Then my mom said, "These guys want to fuck me?" I said, "Yeah." Then my mom said, "I still got it!"

My step bro thought I was single and tried to take me, but I said, "I'm take." And guess what he did? He cried.

Why? Why would you do that?

Everyone when we're in the cafeteria singing happy birthday to some random person: "Happy birthday to you..., Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear

Me in the background: Happy deathday to you..., Happy deathday to you, happy death day dear___, happy death day to you!"

My mom: "Dear, I don't know why your grandma is spending more time with her friend Carla, can you spy on her?"

Me: "Your mom gay lol."

My mom: "Don't talk about your grandma like that, you rude girl."

You: "Your mom gay lol."

Me: That’s a good WAVE.

Friend: I SEA it.

Wave: Doesn't break for us to surf on.

Me: I was SHORE it would be good.

Friend: I SEA what you did there.

How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

  • 7

    • My friend: Yo stupid.

    Me: Is that right, and what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?

    My friend: *rolls eyes and says whatever.*

    Me: Keep on rolling them, you might find your brain in there.

    My friend: "Yo, stupid."

    Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

    My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

    Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

  • 4

    • Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

    Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

    Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

    Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

    Me: Seeing others happy.

    Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?

    Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.

    Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.

    Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...

    Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?

    Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".

    symple: Why did you include me in this fuckery?

    symple: And why the fuck am I the profile picture?

    angela: Because you are the thot of the group.

    symple: Well it takes one to know one.

    symple: Aren't Thot jokes just "whore'able?"

    angela: FUCK OFF!