ME jokes

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I was at a milk store and ordered some milk.

They brought it over but spilled it on me.

I said that was a udder failure!

I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.

An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

Man: "Not for long!"

And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

Woman: "Never."

And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

Man: "You look like a dream."

Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

And then the man orders flowers and candy.

Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

And the man shoots the bartender.

Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

My son asked me, “What is angel cake made of?”

I reply by listing the ingredients in Mr. Kipling angel cakes. Then he shouts “STOP!” I stop as I reach food colorings. He slowly crawls towards me and says in a whisper, “Well, in my angel cake, I put angels in them.”

I freaked out about this, so I calmed down and asked who did you put in this angel cake. He said, “Grandma, the one who died last Saturday.”

There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!

Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.

69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120

58008 (flip calculator)

Boobless.

  • 6

    • Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"

    Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"

    Why do you want me?

    Cus u like me...

    What do you mean?

    You love me.

    No.

    Look down.

    (This isn't really a joke btw anyway.) SpongeBob, me boy, ye ruptured me intestines with that massive c*ck of yours, agahgahagahagahagah!

    3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.

    The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"😂

    A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"

    The bartender says, "No bread here."

    And then the duck says, "Got any bread?"

    And the bartender says, "Didn't I just f***ing say that there was no bread here?"

    And the duck says, "Got any bread?!"

    And the bartender says, "You stupid duck! Or should I say d***? There's no bread here. Don't make me say that again, or I'll pin you to the wall with a nail."

    So the duck says, "Got any nails?"

    And then the bartender looks surprised, and says, "Of course I've got f***ing nails. Can't you see them?"

    And the duck says, "Got any bread?"

    And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.

    Teacher: *Reads mythological story about a cyclops*

    Me: Does he have one eye cause he's from an incestual family in Alabama?