ME jokes

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"

Me: "Oh hell nah"

Me: I have lost it.

Random: Lost what?

Me: My will to live.

Your mom went to the ocean, and the whales said, "We are family," even though you are fatter than me.

I don't like Roblox Adopt Me. It reminds me of my past.

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

Me: Do you like smash?

Friend: Smash Rolls?

Me: No, Smash DEEZ NUTS!

Friend: AHHHHH (*moans)

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

I didn't come into the prostitution business...

It came into me.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

Ex-bf's gf: You're so ugly as hell.

Me: Oh, did I mention that I was trying to be you?

Your hairline reminds me of a car taking a U-turn.

"Me fa so?"

I'm ashamed to admit feeling proud of the rape joke I posted and what went on between me and your mum.

"Herishy, me lava u, why did u leave mee? Wahh wahh baby sharka, doodle do to to babyyy cutie pie..."

I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.