ME jokes

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!

Person: What's your perfect date look like?

Me: Oh, just hanging around in a tree.

What do me and Monster cans have in common? A barcode.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?

Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.

Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?

Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.

Little Johnny walked into his parents' room to see them going at it.

He asked his mom what they were doing, and she said, "Uh, we're play fighting," and he's like, "With no clothes on?"

She said, "Yeah," and so he said, "Let me join you then..."

Ya ever think about the twin towers plan?

Me neither. It all came crashing down.

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

I didn't get the joke at first, then it hit me like a plane.

Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?

Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.

I don't really understand 9/11 jokes, but they eventually hit me like a plane.

I jump and jump if you put bread in me too many times. What am I? A toaster.

My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.

High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?

Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.

High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.

Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.

High school crush: Who is it?

Me: You.

Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)

Me: Fuck that.

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

My mom told me to clean the sink, but I couldn’t find you.

I have a confession. I used to be a Christian.

Don’t bother me none, babe!

Awesome! I much prefer being a Christine!

“Hol up”

When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"