ME jokes

I didn't get the joke at first, then it hit me like a plane.

Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?

Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.

I don't really understand 9/11 jokes, but they eventually hit me like a plane.

I jump and jump if you put bread in me too many times. What am I? A toaster.

My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.

High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?

Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.

High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.

Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.

High school crush: Who is it?

Me: You.

Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)

Me: Fuck that.

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

My mom told me to clean the sink, but I couldn’t find you.

I have a confession. I used to be a Christian.

Don’t bother me none, babe!

Awesome! I much prefer being a Christine!

“Hol up”

When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"

what did the suicidal kid say to the tree?

don't leave me hanging.

Jada Smith: Grow some balls!

Me: Grow some hair!

If she’s old enough to smoke, She’s old enough to choke.

If she’s old enough to pee, She’s old enough for me.

What did the calculator say to the student?

You can always count on me.

Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"

My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"

I read a quote about the Twin Towers that hit me like a plane.

Alright, riddle me this: I am loud and obnoxious, I like music that rhymes. I'm a fraction of the population, but commit half the crimes! What am I?

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.

The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”

I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible!

I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my date 😡!