New Machine Jokes

Why was the snowman smiling?

Because he saw the snow blower coming down the street.

In honor of Diddy:

The ice cream machine at McDonald's now works!

What did the rapper say to the broken vending machine?

"Yo, drop the BEAT!"

Long time since I made a joke, huh? I used a Time Machine to make this one.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

Why do emo kids cost so much?

Because they’re the only people you can scan at the checkout machine.

I found the best GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-get-the-time-machine.

What do 15-year-old boys and washing machines have in common?

They both like keeping one sock for themselves.

A computer is like a living organism. Its charger is its life support. If you "pull the plug," you are letting it slowly die.

If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.

A husband and wife at custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.

Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"

Ex-wife: "I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him."

Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."

Then the judge looks toward the ex-husband.

Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"

The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response. After a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out, is it mine or the machine's?"

I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.

What do you call a baby in a blender? A baby blender!

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.