Like Jokes

I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

What do orphans like about tattoos? They stick around.

Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?

Because they always like to come in a little behind.

Lol me be like

The meme shows two screenshots of characters from the Simpsons. In the top frame, Moe is making a slightly confused face, and it says "Me making jokes." Below, Homer is making a disgusted face, and it says "A guy wants to date me".

How is baseball like cake?

They both need batters.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

"So I asked a genie if he could grant me this wish. I wished to be like Michael Jackson. The next day, I was in a playground full of little kids."

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

A black lady goes inside the drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you carry tampons?" Then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "Do you want the mini pads or the maxi pads?"

And then the black lady asks the pharmacist, "What is the difference?"

And then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "What is your flow like?"

And then the black lady tells the pharmacist, "Linoleum."

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.

I always hit on 16, then get busted.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”