Like jokes

Yo hairline be lookin' like Elmo's toe fungus.

The Titanic, just like my phone, IT JUST WON'T SYNC.

Edit: Never mind, it started to sync...

Relationships are like fat people.

Most of them don’t work out.

I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

What do orphans like about tattoos? They stick around.

Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?

Because they always like to come in a little behind.

How is baseball like cake?

They both need batters.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.

Why don’t cannibal kids eat people with Down Syndrome? Because kids don’t like vegetables.

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.

I always hit on 16, then get busted.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

Me running after slapping the emo kid's wrist and saying, "I like ya cut g."