Like jokes

In my free time, I like to help blind people.

Verb, not adjective.

I was going to make a chemistry joke. But it looks like I won’t get a reaction :)

Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉

A black lady goes inside the drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you carry tampons?" Then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "Do you want the mini pads or the maxi pads?"

And then the black lady asks the pharmacist, "What is the difference?"

And then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "What is your flow like?"

And then the black lady tells the pharmacist, "Linoleum."

Why did Billy not like the soccer ball he got for Christmas?

He has no legs...

Why did Johnny not like the audiobook he got for his birthday?

Johnny was deaf.

I'm 24 and I was with a Chinese lady, and she kept screaming, "I'm too young!" Like, I don't know what that name is.

Your forehead is so big and shiny it looks like a solar field.

This post will get no comments or likes.

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.

Who are the fastest readers in the world? The 9/11 terrorists went through like 78 stories in 7 seconds.

I like Cheetos.

An orphan is like marriage. The kid is always the reason for divorce. The kid is always the reason for his parents leaving him.

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.

I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.

Hairy vagina is like sweets with the wrapper on. You don't like it, but you still eat it.

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

Bully... you're such an asshole. Me... Acting like a dick won't make yours any bigger.