Like Jokes

Hairy vagina is like sweets with the wrapper on. You don't like it, but you still eat it.

How is the world like dirt?

Because we don't think twice about it.

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

Bully... you're such an asshole. Me... Acting like a dick won't make yours any bigger.

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.

I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.

Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.

I was going to make a chemistry joke. But it looks like I won’t get a reaction :)

Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉

Why are orphanages like dogs?

Because they get adopted.

Yo hairline be lookin' like Elmo's toe fungus.

Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.

P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?

P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).

P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*

Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."

I'm 24 and I was with a Chinese lady, and she kept screaming, "I'm too young!" Like, I don't know what that name is.

Why did the rape victim think it was Christmas?

Because her clothes were torn off like wrapping paper.

A boy and his friend were walking down the street.

Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"

Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."

Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."

Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.

He came in twice.

(like if u understand)

The Titanic, just like my phone, IT JUST WON'T SYNC.

Edit: Never mind, it started to sync...

A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.

“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.

“It’s because God made you special,” she said.

“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”

Relationships are like fat people.

Most of them don’t work out.