Like jokes

Little Johnny and his teacher were telling each other jokes and riddles. His teacher asked, "Three birds were sitting on a wire, a hunter shot one. How many are left?" Little Johnny replied, "None, because the sound would scare the other two away." His teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think!"

Little Johnny replied, "Alright, now I have one for you. What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and hard?" His teacher was shocked and said, "Little Johnny!" He replied, "It's gum! But I like the way you think!"

So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."

God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.

Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.

God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.

Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!

God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)

Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)

God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!

God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........

God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.

Did you hear about the two-car pile-up in Mexico? Yeah like 200 Mexicans died.

Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft Paint.

Alright, riddle me this: I am loud and obnoxious, I like music that rhymes. I'm a fraction of the population, but commit half the crimes! What am I?

If you're depressed and you're crying, like this joke.

Like if your best friend has a dog.

Dark jokes are like clean water, not everyone gets it.

The thing I don't like about shopping centers...

When you see one, you've seen a mall.

Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."

Walnut says, "I look like a brain."

Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."

Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"

Like if your best friend is emo. *repost* or like if you have a best friend.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

1 like = 1 more child in my fryer.

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?

The “cold and passed out” kind.

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.

Relationships are like fat people.

Most of them don’t work out.