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Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?

They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.

Waiter: "Here you go, one medium-rare steak."

Me: "I like it well done."

Waiter: "Thanks, that means a lot!"

Why are fat people fat? Because they eat like Indians eating curry, except fat people eat many more portions.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

Windows could not connect to the Internet, would you like to search online for a solution to this problem?

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

You also have to learn to say no. For example: "Would you like a piece of cake?" "No, I'd like two."

This is not a joke, Tom. I'm asking you to leave me alone, stop being sexual, I don't like you.

A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.

A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"

Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.

Orphan: How come?

Me: You wouldn't get it.

Orphan: . . . .

So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.