Like jokes

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:

P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.

Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.

“They are all very tearable,” he replied.

Well, there is one person who gets it!

Rape jokes aren’t funny. People like me that are actually victims of rape are triggered by them.

My dad is like my depression, you need a suicide letter to find him.

Other girls be like, "I want a 6ft guy", meanwhile I want to be 6ft under. 😃👍

Why did the banana like the movie?

Because it was apeeling.

How do we get a butt? God made us like that, and we can't change it. If you wanted to, you have to die <:

My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.

What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?

"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."

True Story of Little Red Riding Hood.

The big bad wolf told Red Riding Hood to strip. He looked at her pussy and said, "Now I will fuck you!"

Red pulled out a shotgun from under her coat and said, "Oh no you're not. You're not, you're going to eat me just like it says in the book!"

Your mom's like a candy machine; she pops out for anybody.

I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.

I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."

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Bully: You're so short you hand-glide on a chip.

Short person: Well, at least I don’t look like a giraffe that just came out of an oven!

I don't understand why people hide under their blankets. It's not like the killer's gonna be like, "I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket."

What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?

They both like to dump their loads into little kids.

You like to draw? Because I like the MD, raw :)

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.

Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.

Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?

Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?

Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.

Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.

Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.

(5 seconds later)

Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!

I like pie.

Me playing a game...

What did God just stop? Are hearts cause we didn't kill each other.

Like if that was good.