Like jokes
They call me Mr. Distracted, truly a spastic. Can't talk to my folks cause they say I'm pro- problematic. Really fantastic. Can't focus unless I take meds then it's magic. My brain is like traffic, always fucking active. But never at the right time, pretty fucking tragic it happens.
Cheer for fun on the telephone and singing, "We are family!" Even then, your dad, really, he's fat, just like your dad. And your mom's fat ass, b**** ass, looking like an Oompa Loompa self, looking like an ugly.
Fuck clankers. Wait, not like that.
I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.
A fat person with autism is a bit like decent sunscreen... A broad spectrum.
You're like a stormy cloud, because once you go away, it's a nice day.
An old woman walks into an outdoor supplies store.
"I'd like an infrared gorilla," she says.
The clerk proceeds to give her an infrared gorilla from the back room.
"We've had hundreds of these things in the back for ages," exclaims the clerk. "You're the first person who's actually wanted one."
There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.
Roses are red, just like your lips.
Mountains are big, just like your tits.
Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.
Why are there more female history teachers than male?
Because women like to bring up the past.
My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.
I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.
My wife treats me like God!
She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.
She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.
What does Michael Jackson like?
Teabags.
Why does Michael Jackson like football, baseball, and tennis? Because of the "balls".
What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?
A seatbelt.
I have no problem with prostitution.
It's like an Air BnB for your dick.
A vagina is like the weather. Once it’s wet, it’s time to go inside.
In Jr. high, we all had to do a report on euthanasia. I misunderstood and wrote a report on how I'd really like a Korean girlfriend.