Lifestyle jokes
What time is it when you get home? Time to sleep.
How do you end an argument with an emo? Kick the chair.
If you think long and hard, oral sex is like cannibals.
Why do vegans hate sex?
They don't want to say they had a meat in 'em.
Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!
1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
Joke: I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy.
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
There is gonna be a huge party at the orphanage tonight because the parents ain't home.
A guy once went hunting at a Hunting Ranch owned by a Hunter and his Wife. After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in Rancher’s Living-room. There they were having a grand ole time until the Rancher’s wife walks in. The Hunter looks at her and says “that’s a nice piece of ass you got your self there.” The Rancher replied “(with a harsh southern accent from years of cigarette smoke) You’ve never been so right in your life, honey why don’t show our guest your tits.” She agrees and then shows the hunter her plump DD cup breast. After he gets a good gander he says “Nice.” Then Rancher shouted “show em yer peker now Hon.” She agreed and whipped out a 13inch Johny, and twirled it around like how an Elephant would move his. Now dazed and confused the Hunter yells out “What in Sam Hill is that!!” and the Rancher replied “Now....Lemme tell you..There ain’t a thing like it”.
"Confucius say: Man go asy, full retard. It's an art, a weapon, and a lifestyle. Once you go full retard, there is no going back."
Who can jump the highest?
Emos, some of them are still in the air.
What goes down but not up?
An emo.
What do you call an emo with a knife?
A cutting board.
What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?
Dairy free.
What's a cannibal's favourite drink?
A Bloody Mary.
What falls down the building and doesn't get up again?
An emo.
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.
It’s called Trycoxagain.
You're like a cat, all you do is eat and sleep.
I asked my friend how long I can be in the sky. He said if you are emo, then forever.