Lifestyle jokes
How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just cry in darkness.
I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...
I have no beef with them.
So if I drink alcohol, you're an alcoholic. But if I drink Fanta, I’m fantastic.
Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:
11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.
Someone walks up to his dad and says, "Dad, what’s the difference between potentiality and reality?" Soo ok, the dad says to the son, "Go ask your mother, sister, and your brother if they’d sleep with the postman for $1,000,000." So the son comes back 5 minutes later and said, "Dad, they all said they would sleep with the postman." So, son, potentially, we have a million dollars, but in reality, we have two sluts and a gay one."
I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.
What kind of cigarettes does a hippie smoke?
Yours.
Yo mama's so poor that when I was walking down the street, I saw her kicking the trash can, and I asked, "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm moving!"
Why can't you ever see an emo?
They're too high to see.
What game do Emos play?
Fruit Ninja.
(Sorryyyyy Lmaoooo)
What game can an emo play on their wrists without an ink pen?
Tic-tac-toe.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
Cooper and Max want to get fucked in the ass by guys.
What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.
What is the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid?
"I like ya cut G" means two different things.
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."
Q: How many emo kids will it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.