Lifestyle jokes
I wish my grass was emo, so then it could cut itself.
My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...
"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
What's the difference between an emo and my clothes?
My clothes don't hang themselves.
If some girls are vegan, then why do they suck dick?
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
With numerous reports of Donald Trump's odor and Kelly Clarkson's lack of hygienic habits... proof that money doesn't buy cleanliness.
What do ya call a group of emo kids hanging from a tree? Ornaments.
What do a girl and a bar have in common?
A- Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
Hi! 👋 I love 💕 you love 💕 a good time at home. 🏡
How do you make an emo mad at you?
Cut the rope.
Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.
For an orphan, any bag of chips is family size.
People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.
Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
Why did the nerd get scared of the emo? Because the nerd likes to leave the emo hanging.
What do you call a gay guy eating Cheerios?
Fruit Loops.
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
What is an emo's most hated game? Hangman.
Because it's rubbing it in their face that they can't hang themselves.
What do emos and bats have in common? The both hang.