Life jokes

Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.

What is the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?

Betty didn’t reach 100 before she died.

This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.

Your career might be in the north, but it's going south :)

Someone: "I WANNA BE THE SUN OF YOUR LIFE!"

Me: Then stay at 1,000,000 km of me.

If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.

Kobe ended so many games with threes. Now he ends his life with trees.

What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.

Wanna hear a funny joke? Well, that was why you were here... Here's the joke: Your life :)

Why are cats good at video games?

Because they have nine lives!

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.

I know this place may be cruel, but hang in there!

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.

Why did the orphan commit crimes? To know what it's like to be wanted.