Life jokes
What's the difference between an emo kid and an onion?
You cry when you cut an onion.
Why are all orphans criminals?
Because they want to know what it's like to be wanted.
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
We have life. I hope we have life. We have God in Jesus Christ. This is a good thing. It is a song part.
Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.
What's the similarity between an orphan and my dick?
They both will die alone.
What's the cruelest joke?
Life.
A man is on his death sentence, and he gets to choose his last meal.
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life. They never found a working machine.
Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?
He was trying to get ahead in life.
Moment and I
The peanut gained confidence and finally came out of its shell.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last as long for fat people.
Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down.
Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around.
And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.
I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.
Your grandma is pretty old; she'll die soon.
If I wanted to hear beeping, I wouldn’t have pulled my grandma’s cord to live.
I don't get progressive leftists these days. They claim to be supporting BLM, but they aren't pro-life.
Did you hear about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
What is the difference between a human being and a tree?
A human can walk and a tree cannot walk.
My life is a joke.