What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.
Wanna hear a funny joke? Well, that was why you were here... Here's the joke: Your life :)
Why are cats good at video games?
Because they have nine lives!
A cock really has a sad life. He's hairs a mess, his neighbor's an arsehole, his best friend is a cunt.
Why did the orphan commit crimes? To know what it's like to be wanted.
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.
What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?
They're both hanging from a tree.
And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.
I know this place may be cruel, but hang in there!
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?
"I finished my job."
What about me?
Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"
Me: power button.
What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?
One was planned.
What’s the only advantage of being an orphan?
Nobody makes jokes about yo mamma.
BF: Babe, I have two questions.
GF: Ok, ask!
BF: Where have you been all my life?
GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?
BF: Can you please go back there?
The Good Old Days.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
