Life

Life Jokes

Kobe

Kobe ended so many games with threes. Now he ends his life with trees.

Paul Walker

What is the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?

Betty didn’t reach 100 before she died.

Oxygen

What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.

Existence

Wanna hear a funny joke? Well, that was why you were here... Here's the joke: Your life :)

Cat

Why are cats good at video games?

Because they have nine lives!

Toaster

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Skin

Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.

Friend

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

Apple

What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?

They're both hanging from a tree.

Pill

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

Orphan

What’s the only advantage of being an orphan?

Nobody makes jokes about yo mamma.

Remote

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

Stuff

The Good Old Days.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Orphan

Why did the orphan commit crimes? To know what it's like to be wanted.

Cock

A cock really has a sad life. He's hairs a mess, his neighbor's an arsehole, his best friend is a cunt.

Suicidal people

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

Birth

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

Woman

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.