Life jokes
Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
What's the resemblance between a microwave and human reproduction?
They both make a sound at the end.
How do blondes play real-life Jenga?
By stacking humans.
What hit the floor first, the emo or the apple? The apple, the rope stopped the emo.
Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.
Wouldn’t the person be dead before the strangling starts? Unless Alastor did surgery?
In my science class we were watching a video, and for no reason at all, it started talking about Black Lives Matter, and my friend leaned over and whispered, “White lives matter more!”
People want to be nice to each other because they only have one life, and they want to live it well.
Sucks to be them. I'm a cat.
Why can’t a tree have sex? They are always tied up.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
Depressed person: *chokes on food*
*involuntary coughs until they can breathe*
"AWWW! I failed the race!"
My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, then get busted.
When people ask my age, this is what I do.
“🥱 I DON’T CARE.... ÆAHAHAHAHAHAÆAAÆ!”
Why are most school shooters mostly white?
Because Black lives MATTER.
If the noose breaks, stab yourself!
If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!
If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”
Why did Playboi Carti’s partner complain about their love life? Because he kept repeating the same track and never reached the climax.
My life, part 2.
What's the difference between an orphan and a flower?
The flowers actually get picked.
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
You went the wrong way. Always choose the right path.