Life jokes

Why do orphans don't like to eat big bags of chips? Because they're family size.

My life is like a grenade... I pull off the ring and, BOOM, it explodes!

Me: You know your parents were very good people.

Orphan: Wow, I didn’t know that.

Me: I know, you're an orphan.

*Son comes out as gay*

Me: What's 17 more years?

Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”

Man: “Am I dying?”

Doctor: “No, your wife is.”

Why did the mailman die?

'Cause everyone dies.

Your mom is so dumb that somebody told her, "Go get a life," so she went to play Super Mario and got a 1-up.

Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!

So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"

The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"

Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!

So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"

So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"

What did the blind, deaf, and dumb orphans get for Christmas?...

Cancer.

God damn it. Fuck Christianity. I'm fucking 30 years old and still a virgin.

THAT'S A JOKE GOD DAMMIT!

What do you call a dead human?

A DEAD HUMAN! HAHAHahahah ha.. ha.. ha Am I the only one laughing?

What is it called if your mom does not make it to your birth?...

An abortion.

What goes in and out and saves your life but is not sexual?

Diabetes.

Life sucks, and so does the vacuum, and other things.

Yo mama eats so much that she spends her whole life on the toilet.

afnshjrkf.

What’s a homeless person's favorite food?

I will tell you a joke--your life.

My kid had an accident.

What is the difference between a human and a tree?

A tree cannot walk, and a human can walk.