Life jokes
My life.
Tell me when you get it.
Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
Death once had a near Chuck experience.
Your life, ahhahaha!
Make a wish.
Kid: I don't want to go to Disney World, I just want to keep living my life.
Make a Wish Staff: Get the F*** out!
Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
If Trump was an orphan, I know he would know not to build a wall because he was in one most of his life.
You know, people always say your life is worth it, but with me, it's worth-it-less.
Nobody
Literally nobody
Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?
Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.
What's worse than 1 tree with 10,000 dead babies on it?
1 baby on 10,000 trees.
What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?
The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.
My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.
When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life
When I go to weddings, old people will tell me I'm next, but when I go to funerals, I tell old people they're next.
My entire existence.
Don't flirt when there is Life Alert!
Edna: Hey there big boy!
Big boy: You need to stop doing this.
These jokes make me want to die.
Me and a person downtown.
Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.
Me: I guess so.
Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?
Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.
Person: Why'd you stop?
Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.