What do you call a person with cancer?
A ghost with a body.
Life Jokes
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
What did the cow call its own life? An udder mistake.
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?
Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!
So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"
The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"
Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!
So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"
So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"
When you’re having the best sex in your life and your grandma says, “I’m not dead!”
Why doesn't my egg want to crack?
Because I hate my egg-sistence.
A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."
A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."
<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*
Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."
Life is a bitch, and people make it worse.
This thing that I'm in ("am") is a forsaken curse (beta).
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."
Your career might be in the north, but it's going south :)
What's the worst living thing on planet earth?
Humans.
Before: Caring & Noble.
After: Chernobyl.
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
My whole life.
I liked my life when I first got it... Later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
If you had a friend like me, would you kill me?
Have you ever met a kid who’s so fat that they can’t even be accepted to “My 600lb Life”? They need a higher-ranking one!
