There was a Mexican magician. He was going to disappear on the count of three.
1-2-..... and he left without a trace.
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Q: Where do you find a quadriplegic?
A: Right where you left 'em.
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replyed: Till december
Are you guys alright ? if you answered yes then you are wrong You are all LEFT kill meh (This joke was taken from dat none funny b*tch on britains got talent)
Did you hear about the mad who got his whole left side cut off - He's all right now
The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."
There are 5 cats on a boat, and 1 jumps off. How many are left?
Zero, they were copycats.
Why did the legless kid think he won a race?
Because everybody already left.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? -- "Bison."
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
How many ears does Captain Picard have?
Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.
Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
