Leave Jokes

Being bullied by an artist? Want them to leave you alone?

www.VincentVanGoghAway.com

A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."

Little Johnny brings his cat to school, and then the teacher asked him why. Little Johnny says, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom I'm going to eat that pussy up when the kids leave!"

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

This is the song we all misunderstood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S0QhGGO1gQ

"He said, "One day, you'll leave this world behind, so live a life you will remember." My father told me when I was just a child, "These are the nights that never die." My father told me."

Whenever I think about it deeply, it makes me wanna cry :(

Pog did not punch someone. This story is false.

A photo of Winston-Salem State QB Rudy Johnson with a black eye, accompanied by text stating that the picture was published on November 18, 2013, by Larry Brown and text that promotes help for children who lost parents in the Russian war in Ukraine.

Why did my dad leave me?

Because I was gay.

Why do leaves change color in the fall?

Because they want to leaf their old color.

Me be straight and bored.

Goes to my local bar which has a glory hole.

Out up spending the rest of the night there.

About to leave when, motherfucker, I realize I've been sucking a guy's cock this whole time.

You heard of Spider-Man: No Way Home. Now get ready for:

Orphan: No Way Home.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.

The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”

Why did my boyfriend leave me?

Because he's gay.

But why did he come back to me?

Because I'm actually a guy :-)

What does Joe Biden say to young girls when he leaves the room?

"Smell ya later!"

Your momma is so old, when she went to the antique store, they wouldn't let her leave.

What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?

"Can I have a bodybag?"

A man and a boy were walking through a dark forest. The boy said, “I’m scared.” The man said, “Why are you scared? I’m the one who’s going to leave these woods alone.”