Law jokes

What do you call someone who kisses primary school kids?

Joshua Metcalfe

Bird on the beach: seagull.

Bird by the bay: bagel.

Bird down south Philly Walmart parking lot: illegal.

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

Worst joke ever.

Abortion isn't murder, it's more like backspacing a typo.

Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?

A. She didn't know how to swallow.

It's good that Canada doesn't have the death sentence for treason anymore.

Danielle Smith is so fucking fat she'd get stuck in the gallows.

Today I was asked if I was in favor of legalizing prostitution.

I admit I haven't given it much of a thot.

If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

It's a little known fact that Helen Keller was against teaching deaf people sign language and thought they should be forced to use oral language.

Weird.

Last time I forced somebody into oral, I got arrested.

This ole boy that's locked up called his ole lady and got into it with her, and she said, "Well, fuck you, I don't need you no more anyway. I got 2 or 3 guys out here wanting me and trying to fuck me."

He said, "Well, honey, that's the least of my worries. I got 10 or 12 guys in here tryin' to fuck me."

What's the difference between a club and a bar?

I can only get dead hookers from the club alleyways.

Hey, do you know why America sucks? We have the death penalty.

Bill Cosplay

Murder, murder, suicide by police.

How do you get away with rape?

A woman once falsely accused me of rape, and I was sentenced to life in prison.

PLEASE CONSIDER LAUGHING now 😂

Yo mama so fat, she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of CRACK.

My life #freemymanrkelly

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the New York Zoo.