My friend wanted to say egg puns, so I told him, "Omelette you do your egg jokes."
Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail?
There is a small medium at large.
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
Funny jokes are like kids with autism.
They have special needs to make them.
Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.
The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.
The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bikini.
Bikini who?
Oh, that was just a bikini.
A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!
Why are orphans sad?
Don't ask, or their parents may... oh wait, carry on.
A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.
A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"
Why do orphans not tell when they get hit?
Because who are they gonna tell, their mom?
Tell an orphan: if you got no parents, clap your hands.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pizza.
Pizza who?
Never mind, it was so cheesy.
I would make a joke about Kobe, but I don't think it would fly very well.
What did the fish say when seeing his best mate?
"I sea him!"
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N. Oh my gosh, I'm peeing on my shoe, no one knows about it yet!
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
Those t.p. jokes are getting shittier by the second.
What do 9/10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.
What did the woman say when I told a rape joke?
"I don't get it."
Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!
