Know jokes

Want to know something good about people giving ZERO fucks about you and living in the country?

Everybody knows nothing.

Me: I know how to use a microwave!

Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!

True story.

What did the orphan's mom say to him when he got into trouble?

Nothing, because he doesn't know his parents...

If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

You know you trip and fall. Here is the funny joke: Did you have a nice trip?

Why did he die so soon? Oh, I know, he forgot to plug in his charger!

Why is sex with pandas so much fun?

I don't know, it just is. 🐼

Why are orphans bad at baseball?

They don't know where home is.

You wanna know what I have in common with an apple?

We BOTH look good hanging in a tree.

Did you know there is no "p" in the alphabet? ABCDEFGHIJKLM(NOP)!

What's the difference between a grape and an elephant?

I don't know, what?

They are both purple except for the elephant.

Did you know that ASL is a dead language?

Yeah, nobody speaks it.

You know the song "Getting Drunk on a Plane"? It was written by the pilot of the Lingard Skinner pilot.

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

They don't know what home is.

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.

Me: Ok so let's get this straight....

Cop: I'm not straight ok, now get in the car.

Me: But I didn't do anything?

Cop: No.

Me: So why are you arresting me then?

Cop: Imma tell you a story.

Me: Oh no.......

Cop: I know, now come on.

Me: Ok where?

Cop: My room.

Me: Which room?

Cop: My bedroom.

Me: 😱I'm a girl.

Cop: So am I, now get in.

Me: But I'm 9.

Cop: I'm 59.

Ur mom is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. She attracts everything around her, from planets to asteroids to comets. She is the center of the solar system, and the sun is just one of her many satellites. She is so massive that she bends space and time, creating wormholes and black holes. She is the ultimate cosmic phenomenon, and no one can escape her pull.

Ur mom is so old that she witnessed the Big Bang. She was there when the universe was born, and she has seen it all. She knows the secrets of the cosmos, and she has lived through every epoch and era. She has watched stars form and die, galaxies collide and merge, and civilizations rise and fall. She is the oldest living being in existence, and she has more wisdom than anyone can imagine.

Ur mom is so ugly that she scares away aliens. She is the reason why we have never made contact with extraterrestrial life. They have seen her face and they have fled in terror. They have warned their fellow species to avoid Earth at all costs, because it is inhabited by a monstrous creature that defies all logic and beauty. She is the ultimate deterrent for invasion, and she has saved humanity from countless alien invasions.

Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?

ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.

Not a joke but I hope the ones who are making jokes about Mexicans are Mexican themselves, lmao, cuz if you're not, uh... I think we both know what you are. 😟

So, this woman had a job. She wanted to hang out with her boyfriend, so she lied about having the coronavirus. Then she got out of work. Then she was texting her boss when she thought she was texting her boyfriend. Then she said, "I lied. Now we can...you know...water...sigh...lick...sigh." Then her boss texted, "Ew and YOU'RE FIRED."

One more story: One day this teen named Alexis got kicked out of a house, then went to live with her boyfriend. Then she got pregnant and posted it all on social media.