Killing myself jokes

I can’t wait for collage....

5 min later, ight I’m gonna go kill myself.

I've got not much of anything to be honest.

Been in special classes in school.

Not liked by people.

Only relationship I've ever had and she cheated on me.

31 years old and never had sex, pathetic.

Not very smart.

Don't look good.

Hate myself more than anything.

Been a failure at everything in life.

Probably be alone forever.

People treat me like crap.

Can't do anything right.

And the list goes on and on.

So the question is why haven't I killed myself yet? The answer is, I forget. I'm a extreme procrastinator, keep just putting it off because I'll probably just fuck it up anyway.

I killed myself, then woke up.

I lost $10,000, so I killed my piggy bank, so I get a real pig and money which my money is fake, but the janitor said it is real, so I killed myself and turned into a real human.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would just climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ.

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.

When someone tells me to kill myself,

Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.

— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?

— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."

Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

I don't have much motivation for things, that's why I haven't yet killed myself, hehe.

My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.

You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself ;)

I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."