Kids jokes

Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

How to tell your kid he's adopted:

Son, I'm a virgin.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

The depressed kid went to high five the tree... but the tree left them hanging.

What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?

They both like to dump their loads into little kids.

I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut, so I said, "I like ya cut g." And I slapped him. I don't know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.

When the school shooter walks by the emo kid and doesn’t feel his gun anymore.

Who is the best at musical chairs?

The kid in the wheelchair.

A kid walks in late to class. The teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." Another kid walks in late to class, and the teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." The last kid walks in and the teacher says, "Why are you late?...and why are you wet?" and the kid says back, "Remember, my name is Pebbles!!"

If I make a summer camp for kids with concentration problems, will it be a "Concentration Camp"?

Why do trees never call emo kids?

The emos always hang up on them.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.

Now they call him Hot Wheels.

What do pedophiles and Xboxes have in common?

They both get turned on by kids.

What is the difference between a sloth and a depressed kid? A sloth doesn't need a rope to hang.

I got detention for giving an emo kid a happy meal.

I got sent to the principal's office for lighting the kid in the wheelchair on fire and calling him hot wheels.

What is the difference between a kid's dad and his cancer?

The cancer came back.

Why do priests like kids in wheelchairs? Because they can’t run.

An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."

When the depressed kid runs out of eyeliner, so he says "fruit ninja" with his wrists.