Kids jokes
So a kid was crying... I asked him what was wrong.
I LOVE WORKING AT AN ORPHANAGE!
- All over it like a fat kid on a cupcake.
- Giggling like a room full of fat kids.
- Drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers and 3 shots in 3 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw.
What's the autistic kid's favorite song? Yours.
Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
Why did the pedophile get kicked out of the candy store?
Because he snatched all of the Sour Patch Kids.
"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."
There was an emo kid in their room, boom, they're all gone, now.
Kids in wheelchairs can't stand up for themselves if there's a bully.
What do blind kids and orphans have in common?
They can't see their family.
One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.
Five years later, he came back and left again.
Bully: Have you ever heard of a brain?
Stupid kid: No.
Bully: You should go get one!
Stupid kid: Wwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Why couldn't the kid with Down syndrome play football? Because he got all the downs.
Yesterday I got detention because I said to the emo kid, "Come hang with us."
In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.
Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."
Why does a kid never come home after a fight with their parents? Because they never found the key to the house again.
Kid says, “Are you a soldier?”
Soldier says, “Mhm.”
Kid says, “I wanna be a soldier someday.”
Soldier says, “Really?”
The kid says, “Yeah, but father says I don’t have the balls to be a soldier, but he’s right. I’m a FUCKING PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!!!"
What do you call a gay emo kid?
Fruit Ninja.
How do you get an emo kid out of a tree? Cut the rope.
How to tell your kid is adopted? Hi Daisy, let's play a game called "You're adopted!" I will start: Your mum died so I had to adopt you, but don't think I love you because you were the only kid there, haha!
One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.
She asked me, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."