A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.
The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;
When I'm chilling and a little kid ruins my moment.
Bro, I gave a suicidal kid Nikes... he just did it, lol.
What is the difference between an orphan and a deaf kid?
They can't hear or speak to their parents that never came back.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
Oh wait, I'm thinking of...
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!
Why didn’t the grape 🍇 leave her family?
Because she loved raisin' kids!
When you tell an Asian kid it’s raining cats and dogs and he’s like, “Just open your mouth and close your eyes!”
A kid in a wheelchair got hurt yesterday. I got detention yesterday because I told him to walk it off.
What did the tree say to the depressed kid?
"Stop hanging around."
I saw a kid crying, sitting on the sidewalk, and I asked him where his parents were. He then cried even more. God, I love working at the orphanage.
Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.
Americans: Miles per hour.
Europeans: Bullets per kid...
Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?
Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.
Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!
Stacy: lol
What did the parent say to Michael Jackson?
"Get off my kid!"
I went up to the deaf kid and said, "I’m going to punch you in 3, 2, 1." And he ended up with a broken nose, and I said, "You should have listened to me!"
What did the parent say to M.J.?
"Get off my kid!"
You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"
Why do emo kids hate high fives?
They’re always left hanging.
