Keep jokes

What do you call a rapper who can't keep a beat?

A RAPPER-TAP-TAP!

How does a rapper keep their money safe?

In a RAP VAULT.

Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"

The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.

Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."

Why did Justin Bieber start playing hide and seek with his fans?

Because they keepped.

Ugly kid, people keep saying I'm ugly.

Me: They're certainly not wrong.

I played catch with my friends, but they keep going to sleep when I throw it.

Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.

Random person: We are taking away your freedoms to keep you safe.

Hitla: That's exactly what I said.

Mommy, mommy! Do we own a sweatshop?

Shut up and keep sewing!

When you tell her you are about to "COME," she says no, don't, please just keep going.

Shenron: THAT IS BEYOND MY POWER.

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

Why did the bounty hunter not cash in an orphan?

He was not worth keeping.

Why don't we keep the balls rolling?

How do you keep a Biden supporter in suspense?

...

What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?

Cot death.

What did the fish say to the other fish when it got hooked?

"That's what you get for not keeping your mouth shut."

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey, is Dad late to pick you up again?

Child: No, Mum. Dad is here, but he is talking about me to Mrs. Lili, the math teacher.

Mom: Can you hear them?

Child: I think... they are watching a good movie.

Mom: Why do you think that?

Child: Because I keep hearing this *HOLDS ONTO PHONE* and clap, clap, clap.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap it on the arse and tell it to keep going!