Joke Jokes

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone. Wing-wing Halo?

What is a cow's favorite move? -- The sound of moooosic.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

They're both accidents.

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."

Me: Man, I wish my clothes were emo.

Friend: Why?

Me: So they would hang themselves.

those one people that joke around to much

A baby with cake smudged around its mouth is holding a spoon. Text above the baby says, "TOUCH MY CAKE," and text below the baby says, "AND I'LL CUT YOU."

What do you call a depressed person?

Me.

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

Why did Sally fall out of the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldn’t she get up?

Because she had no friends.

Is your name suicide because I think about you all the time?

What’s the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry peeling onions!

What makes sad people jump? Bridges.

Did you know the F in Orphan stands for family?

What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.

Who says “white men can't jump?” They certainly did when the twin towers were falling.

What's the difference between life and a rape joke?

Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it's not funny anymore.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"