Joke jokes

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?

Dave: No.

Jason: Well, he hit his first target.

What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?

Are you ready kids?

Why was ten scared?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

Dark jokes are like a new day. Suicidal people don't get it.

Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?

I’d really like to meter.

What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"?

They never get old.

Q. What's the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. One has a functioning neck.

What’s the difference between criminals and orphans?

Only one is wanted.

Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."

Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."

I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.

What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

What do you call a dead parrot?

Polygon.

How do you make an octopus laugh?

You give it ten tickles.

(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

In 2011, Stephen Hawking said there is no God. In 2018, God said there is no Steve Hawking.

How do you know when Helen Keller is home?

Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!