Joke jokes

I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."

My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

What do you call a virgin in Alabama? An orphan.

What's the difference between orphans and cotton?

Cotton gets picked.

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

What do you call a creepy IT teacher?

A PDF file.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."

I want to make a joke about Kobe, but it won't land well.

I wanted to tell an animal joke but it's irrelephant.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

You said that you would never forget!

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?

You untie the rope.

What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's?

They both like to slide their meat between 10 year old buns.

What do you call a white person having a seizure?

A vanilla shake.

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience...

Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.