Joke jokes

What do you call a virgin in Alabama? An orphan.

What's the difference between orphans and cotton?

Cotton gets picked.

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

What do you call a creepy IT teacher?

A PDF file.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."

I want to make a joke about Kobe, but it won't land well.

I wanted to tell an animal joke but it's irrelephant.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

9/11.

9/11 who?

You said that you would never forget!

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?

You untie the rope.

What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's?

They both like to slide their meat between 10 year old buns.

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience...

Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.

So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"