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My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

Q. What's the difference between my phone battery and an anti-vax kid?

A. Nothing, they both die at ten.

So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.

Why did the cow cross the road?

'Cause he wanted to go to a moooooooooooooooooooooooovie.

I entered 10 puns into a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

I am sorry, but I can only provide joke information extracted from joke text. This post only contains a link.

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? I would too if all I heard was "daaaaaaah!"

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Not Susie!"

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

I didn’t know you could yodel!

What did the Army soldier say after he got his legs fixed?

Afgan-I-Stand.