Joke jokes
A friend asked what an acorn is.
I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!
Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.
Can I ask you a question? Nut now!
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
I am always high, welcome to bipolar disorder. LMAO. (Don't bother to like or comment, I just had to say this.)
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.
What’s the difference between a suicide bomber and a feminist? A suicide bomber actually does something when triggered.
How many people can you fit in a car?
6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.
What's the difference between a bad joke and an actually bad joke?
An actually bad joke is not funny, like this one!
What do you say to a ugly girl who claims to have been raped?
“Are you sure you didn’t rape him?”
Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.
How dairy!
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
How do you fit 100 rape victims inside a Mini Cooper?
In the ashtray.
What do you call an autistic person with a driver's license?
A LETHAL WEAPON!
Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.
Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.
Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.