it's jokes
It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.
Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!
What are the 3 shortest words in the English language?
“Is It In?”
I'm going to open a wellness center for ASD kids to be able to express themselves through music and painting. I will call it Artism!
I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.
It was soda-pressing.
I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...
It was impossible to put down.
What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
Only really smart people will get this without it being explained.
Toilet paper fight hat.
I've never been to Bradford before until today. While driving through the city center with my dad I asked, "Would you set up a business here?", to which he responded "No".
So I asked "Why not, you'd make us rich!", He gave me a confused face and asked, "How so?".
So I said, "Because sales would be fucking booming!"
I know, it's an awful joke.
Why didn’t the toilet cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack!
What do you call a baby with red on it?
A baby in a microwave.
I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.
It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.
Why would a man spend his whole career at a barn?
Because it's stable.
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It isn't hard.
Secret code that Bin Laden sent to Obama but couldn't decipher!
It was eloHssA OllEH!!
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
It doesn't know where home is.
"1v1," said Kobe. LeBron James says, "Ok, bet," and bet the money. Bro, ok, let's get it."
A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "No, you'd never bring it back!"
"He scratched his face up, detective. That did it."
"Did I do that?"
Once there was a midget man jumping on a pothole saying 43, 43, 43. A kid walks up to the man and says, "Why are you saying 43, 43, 43?"
The man stops and looks at him, then he starts jumping again and says 43, 43, 43.
The kid asked him again and so on.
Then the man stops, opens the pothole, throws the kid in, closes it, and starts jumping and says 44, 44, 44!!!"