it's jokes

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

Why did Marxism never catch on in England?

Because then it would be impossible to get proper tea.

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

I bought a coffin on Black Friday. It was a killer deal.

What does Michael Jackson say when it gets hot?

He-he-eat!

Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills somebody, you know it's been fired.

Just do it.

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?

One of them is really loud when you iron it.

What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?

A clock.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a Risk I was willing to take.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"