IT jokes

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.

I didn't come into the prostitution business...

It came into me.

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

A: It’s always 90 degrees.

If you think about it, taking candy from a baby is good because candy is bad for babies.

Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

How do you pet a psychopath's cat?

You get it out of the microwave.

Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?

Because it's 90 degrees.

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

What is a reverse exorcism? It is when the Devil tries to pull a priest out of a child.

What is it called when an orphan takes a family photo?

A selfie.

How many kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not 27. Because my basement's still dark...

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.

If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?

Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"

This chess game against America and England is getting interesting. First, America lost both of its towers, but now England has lost its queen.

I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.