IT jokes

An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.

Yo mama is so fat, when she sat on Black Temple, it became Sunken Temple.

Yo mama is so fat, it takes two warlocks to summon her.

Yo mama is so unfamiliar with the gym, she calls it James.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 20 people, then it exploded.

Your mom sings "It's the Final Countdown" while pooping.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."

The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."

The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

School is like a boner. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.

Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"

Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."