IT jokes
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
What is it called when the gynecologist slanders your grandfather?
A pap smear.
Why is flour retarded?
Because it's in-bread.
Why was the computer late to work?
Because it had a hard drive!
If something doesn't make sense to an Eskimo... is it counterINUITive?
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's some weird number. You probably never heard of it.
I was going to join the debating team.
... but someone talked me out of it.
Have you ever tried sex when camping?
It's f***ing intense.
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.
What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
It got pissed off.
Why does a giraffe need such a long neck?
Because its head is so far away from its body.