IT jokes
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.
What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
What does a cat say when it's angry?
- Stop stressing meowt!
OMG, I had a really good hand joke, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking go to heaven?
Because it’s a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.
I can tell why the Founding Fathers adopted the Constitution, because nobody likes it.
What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
One at the bottom that's still alive.
What's worse than that?
It's forced to eat its way out.
What's even worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
How long does it take a baby to cook in the microwave?
I don't know. I close my eyes when I masturbate.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends, how hard can you throw them?
A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.
“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.
“It’s because God made you special,” she said.
“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”
Random guy: Come on, Bin Laden, time is ticking. Get it, ticking. OK, I'll leave.
Is it okay to say "nice to meat you" to a vegan?
What’s the difference between a baby and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t squeal when I put my meat in it.
I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...
no one could tell that it was their blood.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to screw in the lightbulb and one to SUCK MY COCK!
Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?
Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."
How do you recover from prostate cancer surgery?
It’s all Depends!
How would you best describe prostate cancer?
Well, it is somewhere between a dick and an asshole!
Want to know why some astronomers are gay?
It’s because they want to be in Uranus.