IT jokes

That joke didn't land well, did it?

It isn't really rape if you speak different languages. I mean, how is the man supposed to know what she is saying? Those could be tears of joy and screams of pleasure.

My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?

Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.

My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:

Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*

If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?

It's not rape if they can't say no. Duct tape.

You know I would tell you a 9/11 joke, but it just doesn’t hit the spot.

Why do cats leave scratches on arms? They don't; I do it myself.

Why did the flamingo cross the road?

Because it was the chicken's day off.

I want to run. I go Iran, because I RAN, not IRAN, because it’s an Iran joke about the country, not the movement.

You have two brain cells; one is lost, and the other is out looking for it.

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

"My friend and her boyfriend were kissing until she puts her tongue down his throat, and what happens next is really weird."

The tongue gets stuck in his throat and starts to guh-guh-gughhh trying to get her tongue out of his throat, but it cumssssss out with spit all over his tongue, then they break up because he didn't want that to happen ever again...:/

I call this my great talk with Siri.

Me: Hey Siri, give me a "yo mama" joke.

Siri: My mother? Huh?

Me: Did I stutter?

Siri: Interesting question.

Me: It wasn’t a question.

Siri: I’m not sure I understand?

Me: You should understand.

Siri: Hmm... Is there something else I can help with?

Me: No, you b***.

My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.

Why can’t an orphan use an iPhone?

Because it can’t find the home button.

I wish my grass was emo because then it would cut itself.

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, but it's only mild.

I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

Why do orphans hate health ed at school?

Their parents can't opt them out of it.