IT jokes
Your mom's so fat, when she stands on the scale, it says, "To be continued..."
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
If Shaquille O’Neal had a boat, he would’ve named it Freethrow, because he will never sink it.
Dark humour jokes are like water; some get it, some don’t.
If Shaq had a boat, he would name it "Freethrow," because he would never sink it.
I would've made a joke about Alzheimer's, too bad I forgot about it...
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
Boom, it went.
Dr. Fauci would be surprised to know that R. Kelly didn't catch COVID-19.
But since COVID is 19, it's too old for him.
People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."
Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A dragon.
A dragon who?
The dragon gonna drag its balls across your face.
Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.
You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.
How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?
Not 15, as my basement's still dark.
I went to the orphanage and shot everyone in there. It's not like anyone will attend their funeral.
Why is the blind man so close to the door?
He can't see it.
I just beat the Hollow Knight and found it takes 26 hours to beat it, but it took me 69 hours to beat it.
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there's a knock at the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, "What was that all about?"
I replaced "Jingle Bells" with "Jiggle Balls"... "Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride on jiggly balls today!"
What's 1 + 1? For some people, it's 1 #unibrow.
Where’s the English Channel?
Johnny: “I don’t know. My television doesn’t pick it up.”