IT jokes

Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?

It's often said that people peaked in high school.

I think Trump peaked in kindergarten.

Why doesn't The View have anyone on it who is trans? They just look like they are.

I don’t like to play games, actually. There is one game: It’s Barbie. Of course, I’ll be Ken, and you’ll be the box cum in.

Have you heard the word of the day? It’s "legs".

Now, let’s go back to my place and I can spread them.

What does a burnt pizza, cold beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?

Someone didn’t pull it out in time.

How would negotiations between Putin and Zelensky play out?

QUEUE THE MUSIC

BANG BANG INTO THE ROOM I KNOW U WANT IT

Have you heard of the book about the transgender whale?

It’s called "Maybe Dick."

What’s a reverse exorcism?

It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

There were four men eating dinner on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.

The waiter said, "We have to get to the lifeboats!"

The teacher said, "What about the kids?"

The lawyer said, "Fuck the kids."

The priest said, "Do you think we'll have time?"

Hello, it is the suicide line. Just keep hanging.

Patient: I am sorry, it is my first surgery.

Doctor: Don't worry, mine too.🫡👍

Inside a room full of squares, buckets, and tints, there are two inspectors. One is called Mr. Right, the other one is called Mr. Wrong. Because of their names, the first one is trusted more than the second one.

Mr. Wrong eventually got tired of that and worked on a plan for how more people could trust him. He took a jigsaw and he started to cut into his brain and sawed away half of his brain. It was still working.

Then he took a loaf of toast, cut it into half and glued it on his head, and then he made a strawberry cream and sprayed it on the toast. Because people couldn't recognize him as "Mr. Wrong," he was able to solve more cases.

What does a physicist call it when a suicidal person is high up? Potential energy.

What happens if a cookie turns emo?

It becomes a cookie cutter.

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

I wish my grass were emo, so it would cut itself.

I was going to tell a ghost joke, but it just seemed so mean-spirited.

My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.