Instead jokes

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

when you use ancestry.com instead of tinder.

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

Why were the Twin Towers mad during 9/11?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but instead got plane.

What does a baby banana call her mum? Na na, get it? Instead of ma ma.

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."

Why did Stephen Hawking die? ... Because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep."

One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.

Instead of Edward Scissorhands, I’m Edwardscissor wrists.

I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.

What is the difference between gross and kinky according to a Canadian?

Using a toothpick to remove human feces between your teeth after licking another person's ass is gross, but performing a blowjob on a man who is well-endowed while he is eating a tuna fish sandwich, with maple syrup instead of mayonnaise, is kinky.

Instead of Obama, it was supposed to be Osama. Pretending I got their names mixed up.

How do you know if a rapper's broke?

When he starts dropping cents instead of bars.

Why do Indian people have bad tempers? Because when they were growing up, their parents told them they couldn't have a cow, so they threw a tantrum instead.

A missionary went to visit an orphanage in Thailand. After looking around, he asked the manager, "Why do these kids have numbers instead of names on their shirts? And why are some of them the same?"

The manager smiled and said, "Those are price tags."

Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.

If Joey Deacon made his own company, it would be called The Joey Deacon Company; Walt Disney should have a run for its money.

P.S. The Joey Deacon Pictures logo would have some autistic people making noises to "When You Wish Upon A Star", with the castle being the Blue Peter ship instead.

I saw an emo orphan by a tree, and I was going to give it a high-five, but instead I just let it hang.

Two Chinese men walk into a bar.

"Owwwwwwwwwww," they say instead of "ouch."

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.