Jimmy Savile should have presented Pop off the Tops instead of Top of the Pops.
I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.
A boy tried to give a tree a high-five but instead, he ended up hanging
Did you know that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep mode?"
Wanted to go to the zoo, it was too packed, so I went to KFC instead. Their monkey enclosure is better anyway.
We should stop being mean to orphans.
We should be cruel instead.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
Why do dwarfs suck a cow's udder instead of being breastfed? Because they are too short.
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"
And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
What did the South tower get instead of pepperoni pizza? It got a bunch of plane.
This name makes me want to close season instead of open it.
My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.
Yo mama so fat that when she landed on the moon, instead of saying "One small step for man kind," she said, "One small step for world domination!"
Why did the orphan water with his cerial instead of milk?
Their dad never came back with the milk
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
