Jimmy Savile should have presented Pop off the Tops instead of Top of the Pops.
I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.
A boy tried to give a tree a high-five but instead, he ended up hanging
Did you know that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep mode?"
Wanted to go to the zoo, it was too packed, so I went to KFC instead. Their monkey enclosure is better anyway.
We should stop being mean to orphans.
We should be cruel instead.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
You know you are from China when you use rice instead of glue.
Why do dwarfs suck a cow's udder instead of being breastfed? Because they are too short.
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"
And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
This name makes me want to close season instead of open it.
My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.
Yo mama so fat that when she landed on the moon, instead of saying "One small step for man kind," she said, "One small step for world domination!"
What did the South tower get instead of pepperoni pizza?
It got a bunch of plane.
Why did the orphan water his cereal instead of milk?
Their dad never came back with the milk.
