We should stop being mean to orphans.
We should be cruel instead.
Jimmy Savile should have presented Pop off the Tops instead of Top of the Pops.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.
Wanted to go to the zoo, it was too packed, so I went to KFC instead. Their monkey enclosure is better anyway.
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.
You know you are from China when you use rice instead of glue.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.