Instead jokes

There was a boy in the gym who was in his late teens. He was sitting at the dumbbells tables, but he wasn't lifting. He instead, sat up and was ripping something up.

The manager then walked over to him and asked, "You're hogging the dumbbells, dude! What are you even doing?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Getting ripped, wanna join me?" as he held up stacks of blank paper. The man silently sat on the table with him and grabbed some papers. "Why not?" he finally said.

We should stop being mean to orphans.

We should be cruel instead.

I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.

A boy tried to give a tree a high-five, but instead, he ended up hanging.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep mode?"

Jimmy Savile should have presented Pop off the Tops instead of Top of the Pops.

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook. All they wanted was books, but got magazines instead.

Wanted to go to the zoo, it was too packed, so I went to KFC instead. Their monkey enclosure is better anyway.

Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.

You know you are from China when you use rice instead of glue.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

Why do dwarfs suck a cow's udder instead of being breastfed? Because they are too short.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"

And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."

My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

This name makes me want to close season instead of open it.

My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.

What did the South tower get instead of pepperoni pizza?

It got a bunch of plane.

Yo mama so fat that when she landed on the moon, instead of saying "One small step for man kind," she said, "One small step for world domination!"