Instead jokes

Bro, the US keeps bullying the UK because the queen died, and do you know the meme "No Bitches?" Yeah, they put "No Queen" instead. And guess what? The UK replied this time and said, "No Towers?" I was shocked. UK's most devious lick.

A missionary went to visit an orphanage in Thailand. After looking around, he asked the manager, "Why do these kids have numbers instead of names on their shirts? And why are some of them the same?"

The manager smiled and said, "Those are price tags."

Why don't communists like Microsoft? Because it's Minecraft instead of ourcraft.

What will die immediately instead of having to suffer torture on the spike of a Judas cradle? A Geometry Dash icon.

What do you call it when you choose Panera Bread over something else?

Panera instead.

Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.

What does it mean when a man sits on a boulder instead of on the ground?

A bolder choice.

Wanted to go to the zoo, it was too packed, so I went to KFC instead. Their monkey enclosure is better anyway.

Why did Stephen Hawking die? ... Because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep."

Prince will be coming back in 10 mins here is a joke.

Gwen: Prince sorry but I'm wanting someone else instead. You've just been a complete jackass toward me, sorry good night.

Prince: Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gwen: Good night!

Prince: Why?

Gwen: Because...now good night!

Prince: We can work some things out?

Gwen: Nope...NOW GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!

To be continued

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

Today is Good Friday, so there will be no meat for us to eat. Instead, we have to do what lesbians do and eat fish.

There was a person inside who needed help from the police, but the police changed their number, so he ordered a party with pizzas from 2 airplanes, but the pilots were stupid, so they put people instead of pizzas, and one landed on the 93rd floor and the 94th floor, literally.

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

Because they got plane pizza instead of cheese!

Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?

His name is Vladimir Pootin.

Once, I tried to say, "P.P. That's funny right there." Instead, I said, you guessed it, "Penis!"

What do you do when your cat's dead?

Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Papyrus: Sans, can you call Undyne for me and tell her that I found a human!

Sans: Sure bro, lemme just get on the Tele-bone.

Papyrus: Ssssaaaaannnnsss!!!!!!

Sans: Yea bro.

Papyrus: You know what? I will tell Undyne instead.

I don't get why it is called abortion instead of murder.

Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.

When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."

When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."