Why were the twin towers mad? Because they got plane pizza instead of cheese
What do you do when your cat’s dead?
Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark, that instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed? His name is Vladimir Pootin.
Bubba couldn't make rent so he offered to sleep with the landlady instead. I think he forgot he lived in his mom's basement.
once, I tried to say, "ps. pp. that's funny right there". instead, I said, you guessed it, "penis!
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself and his friend says "Find jesus instead he'll help you!" and than the man says "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist".
I don't get why it is called abortion instead of murder.
Papyrus:Sans can you call Undyne for me and tell her that I found a human! Sans:Sure bro lemme just get on the Tele-bone Papyrus:Ssssaaaaannnnsss!!!!!! Sans:yea bro Papyrus:You know what I will tell Undyne instead.
I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook all they wanted was books but got magazines instead
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100. Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
Wanted to go to the zoo, it was too packed so I went to KFC instead, their monkey enclosure is better anyway
We should stop being mean to orphans.
We should be cruel instead.
wdid u know that stephon hawking deth was by accident because he pressed shut down instead of sleep mode
Why dont communists like Microsoft? Because its Minecraft instead of ourcraft
A boy tried to give a tree a high-five but instead, he ended up hanging
I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut g” and slapping the neck. I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.
Jimmy Savile should have presented Pop off the Tops instead of Top of the Pops.
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookie and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple kool-aid.
Yo mamma so fat that when she landed on the moon, instead of saying "One small step for man kind", she said, "One small step for world domination"
